my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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