forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i barfeds in our rink
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
