I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
