So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
