You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
