god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
