she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
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My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
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I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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