Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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