I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
