Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
