my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize