If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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