i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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