They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
