Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
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we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
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Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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