Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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