better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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