im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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