Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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