my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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