his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
