the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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