I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
