Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
