allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
