whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
