the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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