I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
