you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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