I can text with my tongue
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
