Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
