i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
