hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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