WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
