Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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