um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
