Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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