getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
