I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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