I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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