i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
