we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
