Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
