I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just invented taco cereal.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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