Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
