You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
