So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
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Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
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In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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