I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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