This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he thought i was a dude.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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