I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
