I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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