Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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