We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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