the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
