i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
